August 22, 2014 —5:38 am
My thoughts are kind of overflowing lately so I’m going to put them here for my own sake and hopefully be able to get some sleep after.
I never want to hear another empty “I miss you” because I know you don’t. Missing someone involves a longing to know about another person, to feed a connection, a desire to share some sort of commonality. It doesn’t involve using a person as an emotional sounding board and then discarding them shortly after.
Do any relationships last? Do any friendships last? Or is it all a slow deterioration.
Weariness is my new companion. Instead of waking up ***flawless***, I wake up weary. Every single day there is a new article, news report, tweet about my people and how much their lives are/aren’t worth. This past year seems as if it’s been worse than any I can remember. Trayvon Martin, Renisha McBride, Eric Garner, Michael Brown all killed and that isn’t even scratching the surface. I’ve heard all sorts of justifications about these murders. If you want to feel sick take a scroll through the comment section of any article about a black person being killed in America. What will it take for black lives to be seen as valuable and worthy? What will it take for unarmed black men to not be shot six times in the street? Why does the stand your ground law place the fear of old American men above the lives of young black males? Why is it ok for a grown man to shoot up a car full of black teenagers because they were playing their music to loudly? I don’t know the answer to any of these questions. All I know is that thinking about this everyday is tiring and sad. I wonder if that’s how they want me to feel, tired and sad, too tired and sad to do anything about it.
All of these things make it hard for me to fall asleep. I don’t think tension and sleep can coexist in my body. I need to eliminate one to get the other.